What is Attachment Parenting?

When my oldest child was born I knew that certain common parenting practices didn’t fit my way of thinking of about my child and my role as his mother. I was raised in an authoritarian home, which resulted in a strained relationship between children and parents. I didn’t want to repeat my parents’ mistakes. Still, I knew that permissive parenting wouldn’t provide my children with the structure and guidance that they needed and deserved. I needed a loving and authoritative way to interact with my parents, but I would have to learn it from scratch since it wasn’t modeled for me. Fortunately, through prayer and listening to my God-given motherly intuition, I discovered attachment parenting, also known as positive parenting or gentle parenting.

I have been very pleased with the results of attachment parenting, though I have to admit, in my most selfish moments I’ve wished that it didn’t require us as parents to step outside of what society and culture has programmed us to believe is right.

Here are a few things you should know about me as a mother:

I’m still learning every day. I learn through life experience and through research.
I’m not perfect. I think that yelling is the new spanking. Still, I lose my cool just like any mother does from time to time.
When I do something that is against my beliefs about how I should respond to or interact with my children, I apologize to my children, make amends, and then I move on. Self-flagellation and guilt are pointless and can further interrupt my relationship with my children.

What You Should Know About Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting was not invented by Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician and father of eight, although he did coin the term and has provided parents with essential information about the subject.
Attachment parenting starts with the 7 Baby B’s which are birth bonding (staying close to baby after birth -rooming in at the hospital, for instance), breastfeeding, baby wearing, bedding close to baby (co-sleeping or at the least sleeping in the same room), belief in the language value of your baby’s cry (no crying-it-out, attending to a crying baby, toddler, child any time of the day or night), beware of baby trainers (sorry, Ezzo, you’re wrong.) and balance (A very important part of attachment parenting. I’ve seen many mothers lose balance while trying to follow the “rules” of attachment parenting. The results are never good.)
Attachment parenting eventually turns into gentle, or positive, discipline. Another logical discipline method which follows the attachment parenting of babies and toddlers includes Grace Based Discipline for Christian parents.
Despite its name, one of the main goals of attachment parenting is to foster age-appropriate independence in children. This age-appropriate independence happens more slowly and more completely than the rushed, or even forced, independence of mainstream parenting practices.

What Attachment Parenting is Not

Here is what Dr. Sears has to say about what attachment parenting is not.

Here are my own thoughts on what attachment parenting is not:

Attachment parenting is not a list of rules that a mother must follow in order to be part of the Cool Moms’ AP Club. Membership to that club is difficult to maintain and once you’re inside, you’ll realize that no one has all the answers or is a perfect mom with perfect children. Attachment parenting is not about doing what other moms are doing but instead about doing what is best for your child.
Attachment parenting is not list of rules that a mother must follow in order for her child to grow up perfectly emotionally and physically healthy.
“None of us escape childhood unscathed.” – Dr. James Masterson
I’ve seen too many mothers lose themselves to attachment parenting in an attempt to adhere to every single one of the guidelines. I’ve seen mothers shun attachment parenting completely if they find that one or two of the guidelines don’t work for them.
Attachment parenting is NOT permissive parenting. Permissive parenting is as damaging as authoritarian parenting. (Some would say it is more damaging.) If you know a parent who subscribes to the attachment parenting philosophy but appears to be parenting permissively, you either have a misguided understand of what permissive parenting actually looks like or the attachment parenting parent you know is doing it wrong.
In contrast to Dr. Sears, I believe, dependent upon how you were raised, that attachment parenting is not easy. There is a paradigm shift that can be scary if you’re a skeptic or have little support. While there is more support for the practice now than there was 22 years ago when I was a new mom, many parents who choose to practice attachment parenting in a small town may feel quite alone in their parenting methods. Unfortunately, this is especially true of more religious areas of the country.
Attachment parenting is not spoiling a child. Forced or rushed independence spoils children and their ability to function well with their independence. Attachment parenting allows a child to seek and experience independence at a pace that is child-led. This relaxed approach to independence in children leads to to more confident children who have been allowed to experience independence when they are ready for it, therefore leading to greater success with independence.