Take a scroll down your Facebook news feed. How often do you come across a post from someone proclaiming how happy they are to be married to their best friend? I’ve seen it over and over. And I think it’s lovely. However, not all married couples are best friends. What should you do when your husband isn’t your best friend?
My Husband is not my Best Friend
I’ll admit it – my husband isn’t my best friend. Actually my husband and I don’t have best friends because we don’t have time for best friends during this season of our lives. Also, what I need from my relationship with my husband does not align with what I need from a best friend.
I’ve had best friends in the past and here are my requirements:
- Let’s do fun stuff together surrounding our shared interests.
- Let’s avoid doing the boring, day-to-day stuff together . . . why would we waste time on not-fun stuff?
- Let’s keep it light, but be there when when I need an ear or a shoulder. I’ll do the same for you. But let’s keep our boundaries in place and give at least as much as we take.
- No, ah . . . romance. Because then you’d be my lover, not my best friend. That complicates the friendship.
So, now you can see why my husband isn’t my best friend.
Truthfully, we don’t have many shared interests. He’s all sports and coin collecting and I’m all writing and playing the piano. When we do fun stuff together it usually involves the children, which makes it both fun and work. We’re okay with that.
My husband and I can’t avoid doing the boring, day-to-day stuff together. In fact, one of the primary reasons I married him is because I wanted to do the boring, day-to-day stuff with him and no one else. Some days we only get around to the boring, day-to-day stuff.
We do not keep it light. My husband and I talk about science and religion and racism and war and parenting. We talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And we don’t always agree. And then we have to work through that. I’ve lost a best friend before because we disagreed on something. It hurt, but there was really nothing on the line when we went separate ways. I don’t have that option in marriage.
My husband is my lover. There’s way more at stake here than there has ever been with even my most beloved best friend.
4 Things to do When Your Husband Isn’t Your Best Friend
Even though my husband isn’t my best friend (and he doesn’t make me happy) and I’m okay with that, I know that many other wives are not. What I want from my husband doesn’t fit what I want from a best friend – and I’m perfectly okay with not having a bestie. But, what if you desperately want your husband to be your best friend and he’s just not?
Here’s what to do when your husband isn’t your best friend.
Be More Specific About the True Void in Your Relationship
You may lament over the fact that your husband is not your best friend, but take the time to get more specific about which of your needs is not being met within your marriage.
Do you long for more intimate conversation with your husband? Do you wish you had more date nights? Is your husband seemingly dismissive or uninterested in spending time with you?
What is the true void in your relationship? It may take a little therapy and a lot of hard work to fix, but summing up a deeper issue (or multiple issues) by simply stating that you’re unhappy because your husband isn’t your best friend is not going to fix the void.
What do you mean when you say your husband isn’t your best friend? Write down all of the reasons why he isn’t your best friend and start tackling them one by one.
Be Honest About What You Really Want in a Best Friend
I know what I want in a best friend (and why I don’t want a best friend during this season in my life). I also know what I want in a husband. I want different things from each although some things might overlap.
Are you asking for something from your husband that he can’t provide for you? For example, do you want a best friend who can share the joys and miseries of motherhood with you over a cup of a tea? Your husband can’t commiserate with you on that because he can’t experience motherhood.
Write down what you want in a best friend and decide whether or not your husband is even a good candidate for being your best friend. If you find that he isn’t, then don’t try to force a best friend relationship with him and instead love what you do have together – a witness for your life, a person who knows more about you than any of your best friends ever have, a partner in parenting, a person who has vowed to be by your side until the end.
Get a Best Friend
This may seem a little over simplified, but bear with me. If your husband isn’t your best friend and you need a best friend then, please – get a best friend! Maybe, after years of marriage and probably a kid or two, you’ve lost best friendships you once had.
Reach out to your girlfriends, join a hobby group, rekindle a former best friendship that fell to the wayside when life got in the way. Get a best friend and let your husband off the hook.
Give it Time
If you feel that your husband and you don’t even have a basic friendship and that your lives are spent doing the boring, day-to-day stuff, give it time. There are seasons in life and some are tougher to get through than others. Check your season.
If you’re in the parenting years – if you have any children under the age of 16 – you are deep in the nitty-gritty of one of the toughest seasons of life. If you’ve married a man who is pulling his weight during this season, you’ve struck gold. He’s more valuable than any best friend. Maybe you’ll be best friends someday, when the pressure to simply get through the day is not so great.
If you’re still bummed that your husband isn’t your best friend, it may be wise to seek individual counseling. There you may be able to better tease out deeper issues or experience personal growth that allows you to feel close to your husband if you currently don’t.